One day while walking down the street a highly successful
executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died.   Her soul arrived up in Heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.  "Welcome to Heaven", said St. Peter.  "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem.  You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." 

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.  "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders.  What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven, and then you can choose whichever you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind.  I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman.  "Sorry, we have rules..." 

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell.   The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.  In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends-fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.  They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.  They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.  She met the Devil, who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute)  and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.  She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave.   Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. 

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.  "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.  So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing.  She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her "So, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven.  Now you must choose your eternity," he said.  The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." 

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down- down back to Hell.  When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing  desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.  She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and
putting it in sacks.  The Devil came up to her and put his arm
around her.  "I don't understand," stammered the woman,
"yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time.  Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." 

The Devil looked at her and smiled.   "Yesterday we
were recruiting you; today you're staff.

 1 Peter 5:8-9

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills.  One day, she  had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital.   While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience.   She saw God and asked, "Is this it?"

God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live."

Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and  have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction  and breast augmentation.  She even had someone dye her hair.   She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might  as well make the most of it.

She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation  and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.   She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I  had another 30 to 40 years?" 

God replied, "Shirley!  I didn't recognize you!"

I decided to stop worrying about my teenage daughter's  driving and take advantage of it.  I got one of those bumper  stickers that say, "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number  on it.  At 50 cents a call, I've been making $48 a week.

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign,  hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold.  Passers by  pulled him from the wreck and revived him.  He began a  terrific struggle and had to be tranquillized by the medics.   Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled
so.

He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing.  I woke up  on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign.   And, somebody was standing in front of the 'S'!"

The only cow in a tiny Russian village stopped giving milk,  so the locals decided to buy a new one.  A cow in Moscow sold  for 2000 rubles, but one from Minsk only cost 1000 rubles,  so they bought the cow from Minsk.

Later, they decided to borrow a bull to mate with the cow,  but whenever the bull approached the cow, she moved away.   The bull spent days trying to get close to her, but she continued to elude his advances.  The people were puzzled and  consulted the wise rabbi.  "Hmmm," the rabbi said.   "Did you  buy this cow in Minsk?"

The villagers were amazed, since they had never told him  where the cow came from.  One local asked, "How did you know?"

The rabbi answered, "My wife is from Minsk."

 Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by  the monarch of a neighboring kingdom.   The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's  youthful happiness.   So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.  Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if  after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.   The question was:  What do women really want? 

Such a question would perplex even the most  knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed  an impossible query.   Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.   He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody:  the princess, the  prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester.  In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give  him a satisfactory answer. 

What most people did tell him was to consult the old  witch, as only she would know the answer.   The price  would be high, since the witch was famous throughout  the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.     The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no  alternative but to talk to the witch. 

She agreed to  answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price  first:  The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most  noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's  closest friend!  Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises...  He had never run across such a repugnant creature.  He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.   Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.  He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. 

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question:  What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.  Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.  And so it went.  The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.   What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! 

Arthur was torn between relief and anguish.   Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous.   The old witch put her worst manners on display.  She ate with her hands, belched and made everyone uncomfortable.   The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom.  What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.   The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. 

Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?  What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?  What would you do?  Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. 

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.   What is the moral of this story? 

THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY, UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL JUST A WITCH. 

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.    The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."  The second deaf man signed back, "Boy, you're lucky.  My wife was
wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."  The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"  The second man replied, "I turned out the light." 

The bird and the bid

One day a man went to an auction.  While there, he bid on  a parrot.  He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up  in the bidding.  He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid,  so he bid higher and higher and higher.  Finally, after he  bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the
parrot  was his at last!  As he was paying for the parrot, he said  to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk.   I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find  out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry," said the Auctioneer.   "He can talk.  Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the  woods.  She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.   The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3  wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you,
but I  failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever  you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" 

The woman  said, "That would be okay," For her first wish, she wanted to be the most  beautiful woman in the world.  The frog warned her, "You do realize that  this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world,  an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay  because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for  me." So, POOF - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! 

For her second  wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.  The frog said, "That  will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten  times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is  mine is his and what is his is mine." So, POOF - she's the richest woman in  the world! 

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,  "I'd like a mild heart attack." 
 
 

Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so they go to the unemployment office.

Asked his occupation, the first guy says, "Panty stitcher.  I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher.  Finding it classed as unskilled labor,  she gives him $300, a week's unemployment pay.

The second guy was asked his occupation.  "Diesel fitter,"  he replies.  Since diesel fitter is a skilled job the clerk gives the second guy $600 a week.

When the first guy finds out he's furious.  He storms back in to find out why his friend and co-worker is collecting double his pay.  The clerk explains, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?" yells the panty stitcher.  "I sew the elastic on and he pulls on it and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter.' 

A newly deceased man, David, stands at the pearly gates.  St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes.  The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid,  ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it.  David 
decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.  So off he goes with an ugly stupid woman, while he pretends to be happy. 

As he walks along one day, he sees his friend Steve up ahead with an even uglier woman.  When he asks what's going on, Steve replies, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money." They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they
might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now David, Steve, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Martin up ahead.  He is with an absolutely gorgeous woman who looks like a supermodel/centerfold.  Stunned, David and Steve approach the man and discover that it really is their friend Martin. They ask him how he got this unbelievable goddess, while they're stuck with these god-awful women.

Martin replies, "I have no idea, but I'm definitely not complaining.  This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have had five years of the best sex any man could hope to look forward to.  There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand.  Every time we finish having sex,
she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes!"

The following are (supposedly)  actual English subtitles appearing in  Hong Kong films:

*I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

*Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

*Gun wounds again?

*Same old rules:  no eyes, no groin.

*A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

*Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken

*Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.  *Who gave you the nerve to  get killed here?

*This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum.  I am sure  you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on  the dessert floor for ants to eat.

*Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

*I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!  *I will surround their  house by myself.

*You daring lousy guy.

*Beat him out of recognizable shape!

*Yah-hah, evil spider woman!  I have captured you by the short rabbits  and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough  extermination.

*I have been scared silly too much lately.

*I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

*Beware!  Your bones are going to be disconnected.

*The bullets inside are very hot.  Why do I feel so cold?

*How can you use my intestines as a gift?

*Greetings, large black person.  Let us not forget to form a team up  together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate  feets on some but of the giant lizard person.

*Your western eyes will be fingered from your face.

*This hot sword will pierce your family dynasty.

*The Americans will not save you for Christmas.

*Both of you will die when the sun hits the bell.

*Feeling sexual we will invade into your women.

*You always use violence.  I should've ordered glutinous rice

NOTICE:  All suggestions have been tested and approved for use on  telemarketers.  No animals were harmed in the testing.

1.  Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.   "Come on, Leon, cut it out!  Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

2.  If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you  asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these  problems.  My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog  just died .  .  .  "

3.  If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell  their name.  Then ask them to spell the company name.  Then ask them  where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many  people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are  married, how
many kids they have, etc.  Continue asking them personal  questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4.  This works great if you are male.  Telemarketer:  "Hi, my name is  Judy and I'm with XYZ Company.  " You:  Wait for a second and with a  real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5.  Cry out in surprise, "Judy?  Is that you?  Oh my God!  Judy, how have  you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of  terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6.  Say "No" over and over.  Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and  keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak.  This is most  fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7.  If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and  Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have  any friends, would you be my friend?"

8.  If the company cleans rugs, respond:  "Can you get out blood?  Can  you get out goat blood?  How about human blood?"

9.  After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to  marry you.  When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just  give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10.  Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and  they can't sell to employees.

11.  Answer the phone.  As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer,  set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12.  Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her  if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call  him/her back.  When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers  cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want  anyone
bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and  you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13.  Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14.  Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold.   Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your  leisure.  Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner  conversation.

15.  Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if  they could bring you some beer.

16.  Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17.  Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you.  But I should  probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18.  If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for  bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

19.  Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up  .  .  .  louder .  .  .  louder .  .  .

20.  Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.